Saturday, February 19, 2011


I've spent the last few days at LTUE, learning how to turn my craptastic novel writing into something spectacularly un-crappy. In order to do this, I first must follow the rules. Guidelines, if you will, that will mold and shape my writing, and self image into something that's marketable, manageable, malleable. Hoops to jump through. Feats to accomplish.
Honestly, (because my novel writing isn't the best) it's amazing how much I need to do.
Ugh (insert whiney groan because at heart, I'm truly a lazy arse).
But, because I'm determined to one day shake hands with MR. PUBLISHER, and grin like a wildcat (Go Troy Bolton!) when he passes over my first royalty check, I'm going to follow the rules.

So in the meantime...while I'm attending this science fiction and fantasy writing conference, I've decided to take the liberty to write some of my own rules. Why? You ask. Because as I've gone throughout the day and shared space with hundreds of other hopeful writers (believe me, the classes have been packed and that's not necessarily a good thing), a few things have become clear to me.
Undeniably clear.

And so, you see, I've come up with a list of my own. 

Rules for attending a Sci-Fi/Fantasy Writing Conference: 
1. Shower.
I hate to say it, but when you pack a few hundred people into a room that has the body capacity for 50, it gets warm and stinky pretty fast. Take a look at the type of conference I'm attending. Believe me, ode of greasy head isn't what I want to bathe in for hours each day. So please Sci-Fi and Fantasy friends, shower.

2. Turn off your D*%# cell phone.
I don't care who you are, it's rude when your cell phone screams a creepy 'howler' ring smack dab in the middle of a NYT bestselling author's explanation of the revision process.

3. Use shampoo. 
I realize that I've already cautioned those attending this type of Con to shower. But it's come to my attention due to close proximity of another that perhaps all sci-fi/fantasy loving, fantastically long-haired males don't understand that proper showering includes a good scrubbing with shampoo that will cleanse the scalp of greasy clumping oils. Please, use shampoo, lest the sweet gal beside you pass out from overdose of head stink.

4. No crying.
I know Brandon Sanderson and Jessica Day George make you swoon just by walking in the room, but for the love of all things holy, don't bawl like a baby in front of them. It's just not cool. And again, I know it's a Sci-Fi writing conference, but you have to draw the line somewhere.

5. Keep your D&D where it belongs.
This is a writing conference. Not a boys gaming quest. Please no more D&D questions, and how it applies to Lord of the Rings. Please...I'm dying here.

And last, but certainly not least:

6. Just don't do it.
When one of the class options for the hour is "Bella as Mother Savior..." just walk away. Don't attend. Pretend it's an ink stain on the list of possible Con classes to take. A grave mistake that you don't have to be a part of.

So, follow these simple rules, and you too can make it through a Sci-Fi Writing Conference without passing out, offending others, dropping your dignity off the empire state building of self-worth, or permanently scarring your brain.


Peggy said...

I totally think you should have gone to the mother savior class! I don't think I can quite make that leap. I wanted the details from you!

Jessie Humphries said...

You forgot another rule: don't breastfeed your screaming baby in front of 200 people! But nicely done. Thanks for inviting me.

Shari said...

These. Are. Awesome!

Anonymous said...

Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)

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