Thursday, January 30, 2014

Oh Crap! Another Hilarious Story from my Tragic Life.

Apparently I only update this blog when something truly horrific or disgusting happens in my life.

Enough said, you've been fairly warned. 

(Disclaimer: While reading this post, should you feel a need to gag, wretch, or lose control of any bodily functions, you're absolutely on your own to clean that mess up. I take no responsibility for your business.)

Today I woke up late.
That was my first mistake.

I had twenty minutes to push my oldest off to junior high, move my next two boys through their morning teeth-brushing and hair combing routine, and drag a decent outfit (minimal stains, mildly wrinkled) on my sleepy girl's body. Then after pulling her hair into something less worthy of a homeless person and whipping up breakfast (an oatmeal packet), I cleaned last night's mascara off my face and dressed in exercise garb. After dropping the boys off at school, because I moonlight as a taxi service, I had ten minutes to rush to the gym where I teach a step aerobics class. (And no, step didn't die in the 90s.)

I was making good time! So I decided, hey why not live a little and go to the bathroom? (Yes, yes I did just take the story there.)

"Henry," I called down the stairs. "It's your turn to watch the dogs. Make sure to take Britta out if she barks. I'm gonna run to the bathroom real quick. Ok?"

"K, Mom."

Mistake #2. How silly of me to think I could go to the bathroom and all hell wouldn't break loose. Just as I relaxed into my business (Yes again, yes I did just go there.), Britta, my cute, cute, cute--gotta keep reminding myself she's cute--four month old goldendoodle, barked. And barked. And barked. And whined.

"Henry! Take out the dog." I'm a pretty good yeller from the bathroom when the situation calls for it.

More barking. A shuffle or two. Then--



"Momma, Britta pooped in the house. A lot."

A lot? What does a lot entail? I was up, hands washed, and down the stairs in record time.

And, holy




By the door, Britta dropped four piles of steaming, stinky poop. My three uber-helpful kids stared at the stench scene screaming about how disgusting it was.
Like I didn't know.

"Don't just stand there, you need to clean it up," I told Henry as I rushed for cleansing supplies.

"Why me?"

"Because you were the one watching her and she barked and whined to go out. What were you doing?"

"Uh," he glanced away. "I was walking around."

"Walking around? Is that code for playing?" I asked. I didn't pop him outta my lady parts yesterday and I'm keen on his evasive maneuvers.
He nodded and so, his chore began. Armed with paper towels and a bag, he started cleaning up the doggie doodoo.

Mistake #3. Kid+Pooptastrophe = Worst. Day. Of. My. Life.

2.5 piles later Henry heaved and heaved and then puked on the poop, and then making a bee-line for the door to finish vomiting, he walked right though the mess like Moses parting the poop sea. Except there was no parting. Only lots and lots of squishing under his shoe.

Right then I wanted to run screaming down the road, but I hunkered down, and cleaned the poop-puke fiasco, scrubbing the floor and base boards and walls (because my kids excel in projectile purging). At that point the boys were 20 minutes late to school, and I had minutes to get to the gym. I grabbed my purse and rushed the kids to the van, and turned the key . . .

And when the van revved once and then died, and the clock on the dash glared 9:22 am, I knew two things: I wasn't going to make it on time for work, and I should've just stayed in bed today.

I hope your day isn't nearly as craptastic as mine!

For the record, I'm taking the rest of the day off. 

Do you have a funny story you want to share? I could use your comments or humor to brighten my day!


Anonymous said...

Cindy B (on fb) ~ I don't envy you your morning... but thanks for the laughs... hope you can laugh at it now, too.

Yesterday, while helping my husband change our youngest's dirty diaper... after completing the task he promptly picked up the diaper and dropped the poo on the floor... I.could.not.stop.laughing... thankfully it was not the squishy variety so cleaned up easily.

So, in a small way, I feel your pain.

Christene said...

OF COURSE he had to rush THROUGH the pile of poo while vomiting. OF COURSE! Holy moly, what a morning. There are just days that have to be chalked up to the phase of the moon because there is no other explanation! I hope the rest of your day was much better, friend. And just for fun - the other day I was changing our new baby boy. He has the cutest sneezes - except when he decides to sneeze while undiapered and shoot poo out of his little cheeks! Thank goodness the changing pad caught most of it, but I now know firsthand what baby poo feels like. Yay me!

Jessie Humphries said...

You and your bodily function stories! Gah! I should share a TMI sexual story and see how you like it!!!!!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Are you sure they are all that cute? I'd be hard pressed to think that word right about then.
Sorry, can't top that one. You win. I assume the rest of the day got better?

Pop said...

Thanks for sharing, sometimes too much information, aka "TMI" like this is worth the pain of busting a gut. We all need laughter, things like this make life worth living. So you had a bad day, like the song goes, but you are blessed beyond measure. Who else but you could experience the special daily tragedy like this and make our whole world so fun. Only You! Erin, you ROCK. Mahalo!

Charlie N. Holmberg said...

Oh dear. XD How... awful. Awfully entertaining, I mean. ;)

Sharron said...

I'm sorry for your terrible day, but thanks for the laugh! Tomorrow will be better, I'm sure.

Sara B. Larson said...

Hahaha, Jessie, I'm quite curious about this story of yours... ;)

Man, you do know how to make other people's days seem much better, that's for sure! Here's hoping for a poop and vomit free Friday.

Cortney Pearson said...

Oh man, I totally laughed, although no doubt--no doubt--it was NOT funny at the time! How miserable. Hopefully your day got better and thanks for sharing something to think about when I think I've got it bad. ;)

prerna pickett said...

I totally get the poop thing. The other morning I was working out in the basement when I heard the exact same sentence,"Ew,gross!" coming from my kids. Turned out our new pup had gotten out of his crate and pooped in the kitchen. Fun times.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh . . . you're not gonna believe this, but my coworker had almost the exact same experience yesterday! Toooo weird! Anyway, sorry you had to go through all of that, but it did make me giggle :-) If it makes you feel any better, I almost drowned in a septic tank when I was 5. For reals! But it worked out okay. Now I'm a writer, so it helps that I'm full of crap when making up stuff for a living. HA!

Tara Tyler said...

oh no! ack! ewwy gross!!

so glad not to have a puppy any more! been there done that. but on top of it? ugh!

i loved step aerobics!! but now i do PiYo =)

a classic case of, it has to get better from here - hope your weekend is awesome!

i'm erin. said...

Jamie! I just died. That is crazy. A septic tank? I need to know this story.

Tammy Theriault said...

at least the pics you got were cute!!!

Janet Johnson said...

Holy cow, that is wretched! Hilarious if you're not living it, but . . . wretched. Hope your day got better from there! :)

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David P. King said...

Only you can write about a crappy day and make it sing. Wishing you well, Erin! :) said...

Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)

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