Tuesday, July 26, 2011

hold out your hand so i can spit on it.

When I was younger my cousin Amy spit on me. For real. Alright, her act of spitting may have been perpetuated by my spitting on her first, but still it was gross. And frankly I don't entirely recall spitting on her, so in my mind she's the spitter and I'm just the innocent child bystander. Now that I'm older and wiser, I don't spit on my cousins or anyone else for that matter. And they don't spit on me. Why? Because I still think it's gross. 

So when my four year old boy spits on the window in the car, I think it's gross. And I tell him not to do it again. 
When he spits on his seat, I think it's disgusting. And I snap at him not to do it again...or else.
When he spits on my newly mopped kitchen floor, I think it's down right horrific. And I yell, "Don't do that again. Now go to time out!" (Then I throw my hands in the air. Serenity Now!)

But, when he spits on his baby sister, (just before losing any shred of parenting sanity) I think, somebody needs to teach this kid a lesson about spitting. And then I do the only thing that comes to mind. 

"Teddy," I say. "Hold out your hand."
He spreads those trembling four-year-old fingers. "Uh, why Momma."
I don't answer. Using the spitting ability once cultivated in my youth, I hawk the biggest loogie I can and spit it in the palm of his hand, making sure that it doesn't drip off the side and further the spit problem in my home. 
"Hold that," I say in Mommy Death-Con 5 Commander mode voice. "Keep that spit in your hand until you think it's gross enough that you will never ever again spit on your sister, your brother, the house, or the car. Do you understand?"
His chin trembles and his big brown eyes grow to the size of moons. "Yes Momma." 

I look at him, tempted to swipe the saliva off his palm and send him on his way. But I resist his innocent charm. It's an act, I tell myself half-crazed with spit abhorrence. Spitting is gross! Four minutes later I decide maybe the punishment was a little harsh, but I doubt my little guy will be spitting on you anytime soon.  


A. said...

Oh my gosh! You better have another cousin named Amy!! bwahahahaha! Now seriously... you will pay for this. I'm coming out there to spit on you.

Peggy Eddleman said...

Whew! Now I don't have to be afraid to come over to your house anymore. Dodged that bullet!

Ben and Teri said...

Erin, This is Kate's sister. I found your blog from Kate and Dave's blog. I know you can think I am a crazy blog-stalker. But this story made me laugh so hard I snorted, so I had to tell you thanks for posting it. And I'm really not crazy, just like to check on Dave's family once in a while.

Jessie Humphries said...

You made me throw up in my mouth a little bit...

Kimberly Krey said...

A freshly-hocked loogie on the palm - couldn't have done it better myself, my dear. Priceless.

haley said...

I seem to remember you doing the same thing to George several years ago. I also love to quote you when my kids are whining. "Want in one hand and spit in the other and see what you get more of." Man, I miss you!

Keisha Azzalea said...

Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)

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