Tears

I zipped up my pants, jumping up and down to secure a better fit. I had noticed lately that my once loosely fitting pants barely skim over my hip and rear area. I chuckled to myself, thinking perhaps I was carrying triplets...one in each rear cheek and one in the front...and then groaned at the thought of gaining even more weight in the months to come. My eyes darted to the clock. It was already 9:15, crap I was going to be late again. I shuffled around the house, grabbing the diaper bag and an extra sippee cup as I inserted a rubber band through the button hole of my pants in order to keep my, stretched at the seam, pants to stay up.

5 minutes later Teddy, my energetic toddler, and I were coasting down the back roads to the doctor's office. I despise the doctor's office. All doctor's offices are the same. A black hole for my lack of personal time, and a gathering center for snotty, sick, hacking people. I hate the thought of having to visit the doctor even once a month for maternity visits, let alone other visits for my kids. Yet, here I was again, just less than a month since my last visit.

I hadn't been feeling the baby move much lately and was very concerned. Years ago when I had only been married for a year, Mark and I had a 'surprise' pregnancy, which I dreaded at first, and then as time carried on, I grew to love and be excited for the little spirit inside me. Sadly, I was devastated and consumed with guilt when I experienced a miscarriage at 16 weeks of pregnancy. The thought of another miscarriage of that magnitude lingered in the back of my mind and ebbed its way into my fears.

The doctor took me into the ultrasound room as quickly as I had walked into the office, and within minutes I was seated on the medical table answering the basic questions. The office was quiet and I was surprised to find my destructive, I mean creative, toddler sitting patiently on a chair as I discussed with the doctor my pregnancy. He assured me that many women feel very little until the beginning of their third trimester. I felt reassured, since I had felt small movements and little flutters. I am sure he sensed my relief, but he said he would check out the baby anyway.

I laid back and he started the ultrasound. He checked the baby's heart and saw that he could see each chamber and he mentioned the heart beat was strong. My belly oozed with the odd blue gel as he checked the baby from every angle....every angle...and then he stopped, paused, and said, "Look there." Having seen 3 of my boy's ultrasounds before, I knew exactly what I was seeing. Tears streamed down my face, and embarrassed, I quietly tried to wipe them away. I tried so hard to keep the tearful tremble out of my voice; in just over a whisper I asked, "Are you sure?"
"Very sure." He confirmed as he pointed to the screen and distinguished between the black and white smudges, marks and lines on the ultrasound machine. More tears leaked out of the edges of my eyes as I sat up and readjusted my shirt...Like a tolling bell in my head I couldn't stop the shock of thinking, I can't believe I am having a girl.


Happy Father's Day to all out there...and especially to my hubby Mark!